Carolyn Custis James

“Men need to support women and, I wish it went without saying, women need to support women too. … We must raise both the ceiling and the floor.”            —Sheryl Sandberg

In 1955, Rosa Parks’ refusal to give up her seat on a public city bus marked a significant challenge to the status quo and a step forward for racial equality. Overnight she became an international icon of resistance to racial segregation and simultaneously gave women another picture of how their courageous actions could help to change thing for others.

In the final chapter of Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg returns to the topic of gender equality and urges women to work together to move things forward.

As we are painfully aware, gender equality can be a touchy subject in Christian circles. In all but extreme cases, gender equality is widely embraced among evangelicals, not as a modern concept, but as a thoroughly biblical and foundational creation concept established when God designated both male and female as his image bearers. Exactly what we mean by gender equality and what implications we draw … well, that’s an entirely different story and, as we well know, a subject of considerable debate.

Looks like Lean In Chapter 11: Working Together Toward Equality may be wrapping up our discussion on an interesting note that hopefully will challenge thinking for all of us.

Sandberg’s Take

While acknowledging institutional barriers that hold women back, Sandberg believes the best way forward is for more women to reach high level leadership positions so they can influence those decisions. In her thinking, female ambition is not an end in itself but rather the first link in a chain of events to change the system. She calls women in leadership to leave the door open wide for other women to follow and to influence changes that make it easier for women to advance (whether by choice or out of necessity) without penalizing their families.

She zeroes in on how women create barriers for each other—by viewing each other as competition rather than allies, by embracing gender-bias against other women (in order to survive and/or fit into a male-dominated work environment), and when women outside of the workforce (often wives of the successful woman’s male colleagues) become the successful woman’s fiercest critics.

Citing the rivalry between Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem and between combatants in the Mommy Wars as prime examples, Sandberg reasons,

“Every social movement struggles with dissension within its ranks, in part because advocates are passionate and unlikely to agree on every position and solution. …We should strive to resolve our differences quickly, and when we disagree, stay focused on our shared goals. This is not a plea for less debate, but for more constructive debate.” (p.162)

Sandberg bolsters her call for peace among women by quoting no less than former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, who once famously remarked, “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other.” (p.164). (I wouldn’t put it quite like that, but let’s just say that Madeleine and I are on the same wave-length.)

On the positive side, Sandberg describes women who “pay it forward” by advocating for each other. One group met regularly to listen to each other’s achievements and frustrations and used that information as fodder to “tout one another’s achievements.” (p.164) Sandberg credits their mutual advocacy in part for how those women’s careers flourished and they rose in the ranks to high level positions.

“True equality” is her ultimate goal.

“… to encourage women to dream big, forge a path through the obstacles, and achieve their full potential. … that each woman will set her own goals and reach for them with gusto. … that each man will do his part to support women in the workplace and in the home, also with gusto. As we start using the talents of the entire population, our institutions will be more productive, our homes will be happier, and the children growing up in those homes will no longer be held back by narrow stereotypes.” (p.171)

She envisions true equality as a “better world, one where half our institutions are run by women and half our homes are run by men.” (p.172)

My Take

I couldn’t agree more with Sandberg on the need for women to support one another. That was the driving force behind the founding of the Synergy Women’s Network. However, Sandberg’s concept of equality is grounded in statistics that are contextually based and sadly out of reach for the vast majority of women around the globe. And frankly, a fifty-fifty statistical balance cannot itself deliver the kind of valuing, collaboration, and justice which we desire. Earlier chapters in her book are stark reminders that getting to the table, even leaning in and speaking up, can be met with additional layers of devaluation, marginalization, and even abuse.

Rosa Parks secured a better seat on the bus, but even after Civil Rights laws were passed and segregation ended, did she ever lived to experience true equality?

The Bible presents an entirely different and profoundly radical concept of equality that is hardwired into every human soul and extends to every culture and strata of human society. We are already “equal” because God created us that way. I would argue that the real question we face is not how to achieve true equality, but rather how to live within the true equality God intended for us from the beginning.

God set equality among human beings in stone on page one of the Bible when he designated both male and female as his image bearers. It is an exalted calling shared by all and endowing every human with infinite value. That true equality was shattered in the fall and a pecking order installed by a fallen humanity. The Good News is that Jesus’ gospel restores that original vision, and Paul explains how Jesus’ gospel rearranges us.

The practice of ranking one another on the basis of normal human categories that are visible to all—gender, ethnicity, and social status—is emphatically rejected in the Kingdom of God. In his letter to the Galatians, Paul argues for a globalized gospel equality: that not just Jews, but all who believe are now “children of Abraham” (3:7); that distinctions between sons and daughters are erased, for “you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus,” (3:26); and that “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (3:28). As Christians, we are to see each other through different eyes and refuse to grant to any subset of those categories (e.g., male, Jewish, or free) priority over others.

In Galatians, Paul drives home the point that those who follow Jesus cease to operate within the world’s value system. Instead of mirroring the same struggles we witness in the secular working world, leaders in churches and ministry organizations who profess to follow Jesus should be setting a higher standard. In a world shaped by gender, ethnicity, and social, cultural, and economic backgrounds, Christians should be counter-cultural by how we value each other, expand the table, and prize what each unique individual contributes.

We begin to make progress toward a different vision of equality, not when another chair is pulled up to the table because a woman is clamoring to be there, but when the men at the table realize they need her there—where she is leaning in to seek and speak her truth and where others at the table are leaning in to benefit from what she brings that was missing before.

So What’s Your Take?

How do you define gender equality? How have Christian organizations allowed a gospel vision of equality to be co-opted by a secular vision of equality? Do you see progress being made to recapture God’s original vision for a male/female Blessed Alliance that is enriched by our diversity? Why or why not? Have you discussed any of the Lean In chapters with your male colleagues? If no, why not? If yes, what happened?

Lean in with your comments!

Previous Lean In Posts …

• Introduction: Women, Work and the Church
• Chapter 1: The Leadership Ambition Gap
• Chapter 2: Sit at the Table
• Chapter 3: Success and Likeability
• Chapter 4: It’s a Jungle Gym, Not a Ladder
• Chapter 5: Are You My Mentor?
• Chapter 6: Seek and Speak Your Truth
• Chapter 7: Don’t Leave Before You Leave
• Chapter 8: Make Your Partner a Real Partner
• Chapter 9: The Myth of Doing It All

Other related posts …

• The Female Fear Factor
• So What Happens After You Sit at the Table 
• This Can of Worms Must Be Opened!

When I was in my twenties I listened as my uncle, a highly respected medical doctor in Oregon, was describing the kinds of conversations he had with patients who had been battered by their husbands.

I never will forget his words.

“If she tells me, ‘I deserved it,’ I have two problems instead of one.”

The kind of distorted, self-negating thinking he encountered is exactly what causes abusive situations to flare up and get out of hand. It plays right into the hands of the abuser and lies at the center of our discussion of the person who is targeted by spiritual abuse.

Dr. Phil Monroe’s article, “Why are some people prone to spiritual abuse?” (which unlike me he published right on schedule) sheds light on what those vulnerabilities are and why it can be both difficult and painful to leave an abusive situation.

One of the biggest set-ups for spiritual abuse for women dovetails with an issue I raised in When Life and Beliefs Collide, but didn’t connect to the issue of spiritual abuse until now. In his article, Phil Monroe calls it “self-doubt.” In The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, authors David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen call it “learned powerlessness.”

What this boils down to is a low view of self and a fundamental dependence on others to do the thinking, leading, and deciding that over time leaves a woman unable to do those things for herself. Her God-given decision-making muscle atrophies.

It is a huge set-up for spiritual abuse when those she looks to for guidance and protection are protecting something else at her expense. They are protecting themselves, their sense of control, power, and authority, their entitlement to unquestioning loyalty and alignment, and/or their reputation and ministry.

These vulnerabilities leave her without agency. She loses (or never develops) the ability to think, discern, decide, and act for herself. She becomes so used to relying on the judgment of others, she doesn’t trust herself or believe that gnawing feeling inside that tells her something about this situation is desperately wrong. Instead, the more she is scolded, shamed, and lectured the more willing she becomes to accept the abuser’s demeaning messages and humiliating conduct.

A spiritually abusive person exploits vulnerabilities many women are unaware they even have, often because those vulnerabilities are consider godly attributes—things like submissiveness, patience, forgiveness, and trust. So it’s easy to be blindsided by a spiritually abusive encounter from a trusted source and not know what to think, which way to turn, or how to get out.

Yes, there are exceptions.

Some strong personalities have an inherent ability to detect when someone has crossed the line and the ability to let them know. But even in those situations, another volley of spiritual abuse gets fired back. They can be accused of being divisive, argumentative, and obstreperous. But when someone is conditioned to doubt themselves or has learned powerlessness, their first instinct is to blame themselves. They enable the abuser by wondering if they’ve done something wrong and even deserve to be abused.

Abusive situations are never simple.

In tough economic times, it seems fool-hardy to give up a job that puts food on the table and a roof over your head. Often years of investing in a career, relationships, and a ministry are at stake. It isn’t easy to lose respect for someone you’ve looked up to and trusted. Then there’s always the hope that with prayer and perseverance and “trying harder” things will get better.

What complicates things is the fact that as Christians, we are supposed to have a healthy ability to think critically of ourselves. And not all criticism that comes our way is unfounded. But if constructive criticism is delivered in abusive ways, a serious problem remains. This is when it helps to turn to a third party to gain a more objective perspective—someone who is not in the situation and whose perspective is not distorted or swayed by loyalties or power or politics or risks to themselves.

Most of the stories of spiritual abuse I hear come within the context of long-term relationships where admitting what is actually happening can be excruciatingly costly and require levels of strength a woman has never had to summon up.

God has a way of overturning these situations in surprising ways as a woman is forced to find her voice and exercise a brand of courage she never imagined needing, especially with a Christian brother or sister.

I pray that God will shine the light of truth on men and women who are spiritually (or in any other way) abusing others.

But we also need the light of God’s truth to shine on us.

My book When Life and Beliefs Collide identifies where we must start both in addressing and preventing abusive situations. The starting point is not with self-esteem classes, but by taking ourselves and our minds seriously and going deeper in our relationship with God. Knowing him better and deeper takes us to the Source of light who shines the truth on us. Strength and courage don’t appear out of thin air. They grow out of understanding who God is, how he sees us, and that we bear his image and from knowing that therefore he has invested us with infinite.

I fear that much of what women are absorbing in women’s ministries and Bible studies contributes to these vulnerabilities and is insufficient to fuel the kind of courage and strength we need at the first flicker of abuse. Instead we are being lulled into that learned powerless and self-doubt that leave us unprepared to reject an abuser’s words and behavior and to stand our ground before abuse gains traction.

God didn’t create his daughters to cower in the face of abuse, but to stand up, not only for ourselves (which is often the hard part), but also for others who will be the next victims. We are not powerless. We were born to think, to discern, to decide, and to stand against evil. God equips us to take responsibility for the situations we face and to think, decide, and act, even if doing that takes us out of our female comfort zone.

We are, after all, ezer-warriors!

So here are some questions to think about. Feel free to join in with any other comments and insights you wish to offer.

• What makes a person vulnerable to a spiritual abuser?
• Why are we unaware (at least at first) that the behavior we’re encountering is spiritual abusive?
• Why are so many women not equipped to stand their ground when it starts?
• What can we do to prepare women and girls to detect it, to stop thinking someone else will rescue them, and to stand up to an abuser before that person gains the upper hand?

Here is the complete series on Spiritual Abuse:

• It all started with Lean In: Seek and Speak Your Truth 
• Part 1: This Can of Worms Must be Opened! 
• Part 2: The Perfect Storm
• Part 3: The Many Faces of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 4: Identifying the Triggers of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 5: Standing Up to Spiritual Abusers
• Part 6: The Underlying Belief System of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 7: The Enablers of Spiritual Abuse … or When Silence isn’t Golden

Dr. Phil Monroe on Spiritual Abuse:

• Spiritual Abuse: What it is and Why it Hurts
• Why Do Some Spiritual Leaders Abuse Power?
• What Factors Support the Use of Spiritual Abuse?
• Four Belief System That Support Spiritual Abuse
• Do You Enable Spiritual Abuse? 
• Failures to Act—Why we don’t always blow the whistle on abuse

Also by Frank A. James:  Structural Patriarchy’s Dilemma for Women
Mary DeMuth:  Spiritual Abuse: 10 Ways to Spot It
Rachel Held Evans:  Series on Abuse

“You see things I don’t see.” 

I could hardly believe my ears! The fact that these were the first words my father spoke to me after reading a chapter I’d written in Lost Women of the Bible profoundly impacted me. It was one of several conversations where he—a seasoned pastor and the most influential Bible teacher in my life—freely admitted that my perspective was expanding his understanding of the biblical text. I still struggle for words to capture how surprising, affirming, and penetrating his words were to me.

The phenomenon my father was acknowledging—that our combined insights were yielding a fuller, richer understanding than either of us would have without the other—has entered the public sphere of economics and finance, global security, and business. It turns out that two genders are better than one.

After the 2008 economic crisis NYTimes columnist Nicholas Kristof wrote, “Banks around the world desperately want bailouts of billions of dollars, but they also have another need they’re unaware of: women, women and women.” He cited financial experts at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland who were wondering aloud if the economic collapse could have been averted if Lehman Brothers had been Lehman Brothers and Sisters.

Reflecting on Hillary Clinton’s legacy as Secretary of State, former U.S. Ambassador to Austria and the Eleanor Roosevelt Public Policy Lecturer at Harvard University, Swanee Hunt observed the same principle at work in the arena of global security: “A salient element of Hillary Clinton’s legacy will surely be her redefining security to include 51 percent of the world’s population as the most effective and efficient stealth weapon ever”—in a word, women.

The high price of the missing female perspective is incalculable. Researchers and policy makers concur. Secretary Clinton tallied the benefits: “When women decision-makers are present in critical mass (around 30 percent) they build bridges across political and ethnic divides; provide fresh ideas and perspectives; add deeper understanding of ground-level reality; shift budgets away from guns to education, health, and environment; create a more civil political sphere; and govern with greater transparency and less corruption.”

Such insights should not surprise Christians. God created men and women to be a “Blessed Alliance” in all aspects of life. After creating male and female, God “blessed” them and then charged them together to subdue and rule the earth on His behalf. Each brings distinctive gifts which are necessary to accomplish the goal.

Today God’s original charge still remains in effect. Borrowing from (and slightly altering) President Reagan’s famous words to Mikhail Gorbachev, I say “Christians, tear down this wall” separating men and women in the church. If males really want to do God’s will, they need to invite females to the table and then take their sisters seriously. And if females share that commitment, we must own our unique voices and step up to engage our brothers. This is not a “woman’s issue.” It is a kingdom issue. There is mystery to how this works, but even in the secular world the benefits to all are glaring.

In his riveting book, The Prophetic Imagination, Walter Brueggemann echoes the words of my father to describe his interactions with female colleagues: “In many ways these sisters have permitted me to see what I otherwise might have missed. For that I am grateful—and amazed.”

Let’s spread the amazement by working to build that Blessed Alliance!

[Originally published by FullFill in the Spring 2013 {Think} column and reprinted with permission here.] 

“The discussions may be difficult, but the positives are many. We cannot change what we are unaware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.”   

One of the risks of initiating an online discussion on a book I hadn’t read was running into issues that are hot buttons in Christian circles. For me, it was a calculated risk because the issues in Sheryl Sandberg’s book are so important and worth discussing openly.

This week’s topic is no exception, although some will need to buckle up, as Sandberg bookends this week’s chapter by weighing in on feminism—a curse word in many Christian circles that, like it or not, more and more young Christian women are embracing.

Author Sarah Styles Bessey provides a bold example in her post, “Reclaiming Feminist”. Sarah’s book on the subject comes out in November: Jesus Feminist: An Invitation to Revisit the Bible’s View of Women.

I realize feminism is controversial in the American evangelical community, but we should not condemn or avoid a topic simply because it is controversial. Instead, we can take courage and boldly launch into the gender issues raised in this Lean In chapter. So as we launch into Ch 11: Let’s Start Talking About It (one of Sandberg’s longest chapters), don’t be shy about thoughtfully engaging these important issues.

Jesus did not give us a spirit of fear, but of freedom.

Sandberg’s Take

Having grown up in a world of firsts for women—Golda Meir in Israel, V.P. nominee Geraldine Ferraro, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, and astronaut Sally Ride—Sandberg entered college assuming the feminists of the 60s and 70s had succeeded in achieving equality and that the days of feminism were over. Sandberg embraced the mindset  sociologist Marianne Cooper observed in women students in her 2011 article, “The New F-Word.”

“Even though her students were interested enough in gender equality to take an entire class on the subject, very few ‘felt comfortable using the word “feminism”‘ And even ‘fewer identified themselves as feminists.’ . . . it was as if ‘being called a feminist was to suspect that some foul epithet had been hurled your way.'” (p.142)

This reluctance was due in part to the “negative caricature of a bra-burning, humorless, man-hating feminist.” (p.142)

Yet, in the workplace, Sandberg found that “while gender was not openly acknowledged, it was still lurking below the surface.”

She was blindsided when someone attributed her promotion to her being female vs her merit. Yet defending herself risked sounding like a “strident feminist.” Pointing out the disadvantages women face in the workplace was often perceived as “whining or asking for special treatment.” Then, because she wasn’t “one of the guys,” there was always the pressure to “fit in.” At a company outing—a deep-sea fishing trip—she went so far as to smoke a cigar. (p.143)

Everyone has their a-ha moments. The resulting nausea and cigar odor that lingered afterwards gave Sandberg one of hers.

So instead of keeping her head down and trying to fit in, Sandberg decided to speak out about the gender barriers that still limit women—”to talk about gender without people thinking we were crying for help, asking for special treatment, or about to sue.” (p.145)

She challenges women to speak up with their male colleagues about gender bias.

“Shutting down discussion is self-defeating and impedes progress. We need to talk and listen and debate and refute and instruct and learn and evolve.” (p.149)

Sandberg wraps up by embracing the feminist label, defined as “someone who believes in social, political, and economic equality of the sexes” and warns that “progress turns on our willingness to speak up about the impact gender has on us.” (p.158)

My Take

Gender issues are out in the open in both this Lean In series and the series I’m also doing on Spiritual Abuse.

Sandberg challenges us to become full participants in the workplace and to build stronger more collaborative relationships with the men with whom we work. She encourages women to bring their full-selves to the table and argues that it is better for women and for men when we do that.

The spiritual abuse blogs take up the dark side of this engagement, reminding us how badly things can go, how destructive this can be, and striving to create awareness that will prevent abusive, intimidating situations from getting started in the first place.

Gender bias issues Sandberg raises focus more on the cultural personal often subliminal dynamics that inhibit women in the male dominated work place. Of course the male dominated workplace may include abusive behavior (or spiritual abuse in a Christian workplace).

To my mind, gender dynamics in the workplace are a microcosm of the much deeper theological issue of how men and women work together, no matter who is on top (no pun intended).

Ultimately, this is a creation/gospel/kingdom issue. For followers of Jesus, these are the deeper questions. God’s vision in the beginning was for his male and female image bearers to join together in doing his work in the world. The alliance between male and female is a powerful kingdom strategy that the Enemy dismantled in the fall by dividing us from God and from each other. Instead of a Blessed Alliance, it has been the battle of the sexes ever since. Jesus’ gospel restores our broken relationships—with God and with each other—and puts us back on mission.

The stakes are high for how well men and women work together. The potential for God’s kingdom is limitless.

I found it reassuring when Sandberg cited the study at Harvard Business School when by intentionally encouraging collaboration among men, women, and international students they found “overall student satisfaction went up, not just for the female and international students, but for American males as well.” (p.157)

I’m not sure, but has someone at Harvard Business School been reading Half the Church? I’d like to think so!

A frustration I share with many other Christians is that we aren’t leading the charge when it comes to gender issues—that we are not the first to speak up fearlessly against injustices of any sort within our ranks, as well as within our culture and beyond. In a very real sense Sandberg’s chapter is about courage—the courage to be strong and speak truth to power as we encounter it. When we do so, we are not merely speaking for ourselves but for a myriad of others. What may seem like relatively minor struggles, compared to what other women and minorities are enduring, are actually related to their struggles. Speaking up in the workplace can free us to invest ourselves in those larger issues.

Like it or not, we are daughters of those first courageous feminists. The legacy of those Christian suffragettes who stood up for women’s right to vote and battled against slavery belongs to us. Their courage should inspire us all.

It can be hard to speak up and to risk being misunderstood, but our Christian brothers need us to be courageous and will be all the better for it. Besides, courage is contagious. Little ezers will face a better world tomorrow if we talk down fear today and they learn courage from us.

That’s the beauty of the ezer.

So let’s start having those conversations and see how God might work among us.

So What’s Your Take?

It is particularly important in this blog to hear from you. This is an opportunity for us to en-courage one another. So feel free to jump in with your thoughts on these and other questions:

How have you encountered gender issues within the evangelical community? Are we in denial of the presence of gender bias within Christian circles? Why or why not? If you could speak openly to our Christian brothers about gender issues, what would you want them to understand? Why do we avoid these kinds of conversations? How do negative attitudes toward feminism stand in our way? Why do you think feminism is a subject we need to thoughtfully engage or to avoid?

Lean in with your comments!

Here is the complete series on Spiritual Abuse:

• It all started with Lean In: Seek and Speak Your Truth 
• Part 1: This Can of Worms Must be Opened! 
• Part 2: The Perfect Storm
• Part 3: The Many Faces of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 4: Identifying the Triggers of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 5: Standing Up to Spiritual Abusers
• Part 6: The Underlying Belief System of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 7: The Enablers of Spiritual Abuse … or When Silence isn’t Golden

Dr. Phil Monroe on Spiritual Abuse:

• Spiritual Abuse: What it is and Why it Hurts
• Why Do Some Spiritual Leaders Abuse Power?
• What Factors Support the Use of Spiritual Abuse?
• Four Belief System That Support Spiritual Abuse
• Do You Enable Spiritual Abuse? 
• Failures to Act—Why we don’t always blow the whistle on abuse

Also by Frank A. James:  Structural Patriarchy’s Dilemma for Women
Mary DeMuth:  Spiritual Abuse: 10 Ways to Spot It
Rachel Held Evans:  Series on Abuse

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

What better way to celebrate the blessings of our freedoms than by getting behind someone who is part of a major global effort to free women and girls who are enslaved by sex-traffickers?

My cousin, Whitney Wilson, is on a one year internship with IJM (International Justice Mission) in Manilla and could use some help from those of us who have been celebrating American Independence Day. 

Whitney wrote The Warrior about herself before she left. Just what she needed to brace for the battle ahead, a battle she has already been fighting in Grand Rapids and plans to continue when she returns home.

This is an opportunity to get behind this passionate young woman that I wanted to share with others. We keep talking about the rising generation of ezer-warriors and how we want to cheer them on. Here an opportunity to get solidly behind one.

Whitney’s latest colorful update from Manilla came this morning. Here’s a big part of it:

Today marks my two week anniversary with the city of Manila!  (It’s also the 4th of July, and the Filipino staff members keep shaking my hand and congratulating me… Not even joking.)

First of all, thank you so much for your prayers for safe and calm travels.  Everything went really well.  I met a man on my plane who works with the Peace Corps in the Philippines who was able to help me manage the Manila airport which I do not think I could have managed alone.  He was definitely an answer to prayer.  

When I landed in Manila, the windows immediately began to fog because of the humidity and I started thinking, “Oh. No. What have I done!?”  Those feelings quickly dissipated after I met my team at the airport, we were all covered in sweat just from existing, and I immediately loved each of them.  Openly perspiring together leads to bonding, I am learning.

Manila, for those of you I haven’t talked to, is very comparable to Gotham City.  It’s dark, it’s dirty, and I’ve been told that being robbed is inevitable, which, if you were to see the living conditions of some of these families, makes complete sense.  Any of us in that situation would rob out of necessity, too. 

The pollution here is terrible, and the city is trapped in a cloud of this pollution.  When it rains, umbrellas are a requirement because the content of the rain is so full of pollutants and rat urine that it is known to make your hair fall out.  (Who wants to come visit!?) Luckily, I have a lot of hair, and I’m hoping to get my legs wet enough that I will never have to shave again!  Always a silver lining =)  Oh and the mangoes…a definite silver lining.

Because of Manila’s Manila-ness, it is recommended to the staff and interns that we get out of the city once every 3-4 weeks.  This means I will be traveling a lot, and I promise you I am not off gallivanting and not working.  Leaving is necessary for sanity’s sake.  I have joined a yoga studio as well, and even in the last three days I’ve noticed an improvement on my overall anxiety level.  I plan on continuing to exercise in order to take care of myself, and I’ve also found that a good book works wonders.  Since I’m adjusting to so much at one time, I often find that I get tired quickly, and taking care of myself is something I won’t be able to ignore.

About work…it is going to be really tough, but I cannot tell you what I do.  I promise you that this is more frustrating for me than it is for you, but for the sake of my team’s safety and my safety, I cannot disclose any of the work we are doing.  I can’t even tell the other interns what I do.  I will, however, include a couple published stories of what our office has been doing so that you know we are working hard!

Girl Rescued from Abusive Father

Six Traffickers Sentenced to Life in Prison

It is an honor to work with people who work so hard for justice =)

Prayer Requests

Please pray that I will continue to adjust well to my new life here.  Not only am I adjusting to a culture that I do not know, I am also adjusting to life in a big city.  The BIGGEST city.  It is hard to adjust to life with no green.  There are no trees or plants…only concrete and scaffolding.  I am also struggling with the language barrier.  There is a larger barrier than I expected, even in the office, so prayer about how to find a middle ground would be great.

Please pray that I will be used by my team to my fullest potential. 

Please pray that I can adjust to the pace of life.  Everything moves slowly and inefficiently, and I like to move quickly and take only the absolutely necessary steps it takes to achieve something.  (Unless it’s cars.  They move fast and ignore traffic lights.  Crossing a street is a game of human Frogger as there are no crosswalks.  You can pray that the cars slow down a little or that I become superhumanly fast.)

And of course, last but not least, I am still in need of a significant amount of money.  I want to be clear with you all about how your money is being used.  Each month, IJM sends me the amount I pay for rent plus $15.20 for each day in that month.  That is the decided cost for daily living in Manila.  For purchases like my plane ticket from the US to Manila, I send in my receipts and I am reimbursed that dollar amount.  According to IJM, this adds up to about $26,500.  I have raised about $13,000, and that number is going down now that I am paying to live here.  I am living frugally, and the only cost I have that could be seen as frivolous would be yoga, but I can assure you it is necessary. 

I assure you that I am doing everything I can to help combat human trafficking.  And really, $5 gets me about two meals (I have no way to cook in my apartment.  No microwave or toaster oven, and there are no ovens here.) so if $5 is what you can give, it will feed me!

And thank you again for your prayers.  I sincerely feel their comfort =) 

Think about it and help keep Whitney alive and working hard against sex-trafficking!

“The Knotted Gun” by Carl Fredrik Reuterswärd

After being out of town for several days last week, I returned home to a writing deadline, packing Frank off to Pennsylvania to start his new job at Biblical Seminary, the ongoing saga of selling our house, and a system crash on my website.

So at the moment, I’m off my regular posting schedule and scrambling to catch up. I’ll post the next Lean In chapter on Friday.  Sorry for the delay.

I saw a replica of “The Knotted Gun” sculpture (one of over 20 scattered around the world) for the first time at the WWII Museum of the French Resistance in Lyon, France where it silently spoke volumes.

It came to mind again as I contemplated writing this blog in an attempt to identify some of the triggers that cause spiritual abuse to flare up. What conditions set the stage for spiritual abuse in the first place—in work and church environments? How can we respond differently in ways that dismantle those triggers and prevent us from dishonoring one another as Christian brothers and sisters?

Dr. Phil Monroe has just returned from Rwanda, so after over a week away he’s catching up too and rejoining our discussion from a professional counseling prospective. Here’s his latest post on the subject:

My comments come from what I’ve been reading and from more than a decade of observing and listening to women’s accounts of spiritual abuse. Some of these women have become casualties and have left (or been forced to leave) positions of ministry. Some have left ministry and church altogether.

So to give us a starting point for discussion, I’ll take a stab at an overarching umbrella definition of triggers as the need to protect something, coupled with something or someone perceived as a threat.

Some examples of the kinds of things Christians leaders seek to protect are: power, authority, control, personal or ministry reputation, a theological position, manhood, or simply “the way things have always been done.”

Threats (or triggers) surface in such things as:

• Conflicts—of ideas, theology, male vs female, personalities, methods, styles
• Differences—of gender, personalities, backgrounds, cultures, ethnicity, experience
• Challenges—asking questions, concerns, criticisms, or introducing something new
• Fear of and/or resistance to change

Spiritual abuse is a destructive way of responding to these triggers when a person in a position of spiritual authority uses their authority and power to diminish others and deflect the focus away from the perceived threat, so that the overriding issue is no longer the dissenting viewpoint, but the dissenter themselves, who are made to feel they are somehow out of accord with God. They’re “unsubmissive,” “unspiritual,” or the “disturber of the peace.”

A good example is the female pastor who objected to being bullied by a male pastor in staff meetings and was subsequently rebuked as “Satan’s mouthpiece.”

Thankfully, we have other ways to respond to the triggers that, while asking more of us, open the pathway to growth and to live out the gospel in relationships and difficult situations in ways that God intends will set Christians apart from others in how we work together and handle our differences. This is, after all, a spiritual issue and there are spiritually constructive responses that God uses to help us grow and where we may even learn a thing or two from one another and discover change is something we all need to do. The fruit of the Spirit might be a good place to start.

But we have stories too.

A classic story is the Old Testament book of Ruth. The meeting between Ruth and Boaz in the barley field isn’t the sparking of a beautiful romance, but the dangerous convergence of the kinds of explosive combinations we hear about every day in the news.

Boaz is a native born Israelite. He was raised on the Mosaic Law. He enters the story with fanfare as a man of power, wealth, and stature. In stark contrast, Ruth is a brand new convert to faith in Yahweh. She lives at the bottom of the social ladder as she is female, poor and powerless, younger, widowed, barren, Arab, and an immigrant.

It gets worse.

This newcomer and scavenger in Boaz’s field has the audacity to challenge his understanding of Mosaic Gleaning Laws. Buttoned down Boaz is in perfect compliance with the letter of the law. This could have triggered spiritual abuse.

So what happened?

Ruth brings a different and, as it turns out, a missing perspective for she lives on the hungry side of the law. Ruth doesn’t want to take home scraps to her mother-in-law Naomi. The spirit of the law says, “Feed them.” So she makes an unusual and potentially offensive proposal to Boaz that shakes things up.

Boaz could have taken umbrage at her boldness and thrown her out of his field … or worse. Culturally, this was the predictable response. All of the men in her family were dead, and therefore she had no defender—except for God.

Did she make Boaz uncomfortable when she questioned the status quo? Was it annoying and disturbing to listen to this immigrant, this novice in the faith, this woman? Yes indeed.

Astonishingly, against all the cultural norms, Boaz listens and learns from Ruth. Instead of using his power to crush her dissenting voice and assert his spiritual superiority, he invests his power to promote her cause. (If you want more of their story, read The Gospel of Ruth—Loving God Enough to Break the Rules.)

I think of Ruth and Boaz, every time a woman tells me of her painful or incredible experience when she became the first woman on a church staff or ministry team or the lone woman on a church committee or enrolled in seminary and raised a delicate issue or a perspective the men hadn’t considered or when her presence meant the way of doing things needed to change. I hear so many stories that break my heart. But I also hear stories that fuel my hope that spiritual abuse can and will be displaced by that Blessed Alliance I keep talking about.

This is part of the challenge we are facing. I am eager to hear your thoughts.

What triggers have you observed that set up spiritual abuse? How can we address our differences in ways that honor one another and reflect the people Jesus calls us to be? How have you seen that happen? Or not?

Here is the complete series on Spiritual Abuse:

• It all started with Lean In: Seek and Speak Your Truth 
• Part 1: This Can of Worms Must be Opened! 
• Part 2: The Perfect Storm
• Part 3: The Many Faces of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 4: Identifying the Triggers of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 5: Standing Up to Spiritual Abusers
• Part 6: The Underlying Belief System of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 7: The Enablers of Spiritual Abuse … or When Silence isn’t Golden

Dr. Phil Monroe on Spiritual Abuse:

• Spiritual Abuse: What it is and Why it Hurts
• Why Do Some Spiritual Leaders Abuse Power?
• What Factors Support the Use of Spiritual Abuse?
• Four Belief System That Support Spiritual Abuse
• Do You Enable Spiritual Abuse? 
• Failures to Act—Why we don’t always blow the whistle on abuse

Also by Frank A. James:  Structural Patriarchy’s Dilemma for Women
Mary DeMuth:  Spiritual Abuse: 10 Ways to Spot It
Rachel Held Evans:  Series on Abuse

“You might call them ‘Alpha Dads,’ guys who are as serious about their parenting as they are about making partner. . . . They don’t believe in ‘balance.’ They believe in getting what they want, even if it’s time to yell at their 5-year-olds from the sidelines of a soccer game on a Wednesday afternoon.” “

There’s no denying it. The world has changed. This isn’t “Leave it to Beaversville” or “Ozzie and Harriet Land,” and most members of the rising generation won’t even know what I just said.

Just so everyone is on the same page, what I’m saying is that the challenges facing working women today aren’t the same as those of our mothers and grandmothers. As a woman who cares desperately for her career, her husband, and her children (and not necessarily in that order), Sandberg isn’t lamenting along with Adele that “we could have had it all.” Instead she explodes the myth that women can have it all—meaning a successful career, a clean house, nutritious dinner on the table at 6pm, a fit body, and plenty of time to devote to husband and children.

Lean In Ch 9: The Myth of Doing it All is a healthy reality check for working moms (dads too), and I suspect will also touch down in surprising ways for single women and empty nesters who also struggle to achieve that illusive “balance” in their lives.

Sandberg’s Take

From her poised, professional image online, no one would guess Facebook’s famous COO struggles to find a livable balance between career and family or feels a stab of guilt for sending her young son to school on St. Patrick’s Day in a blue T-shirt.

Once again, Sheryl doesn’t hide behind pretense or preach to other struggling souls from on high as the woman who has figured it all out. She’s up front with her fierce and ongoing struggle to keep up with the demands of career and longing/needing to be with her children and how she’s become more realistic and careful about focusing on what matters most.

“Each of us makes choices constantly between work and family, exercising and relaxing, making time for others and taking time for ourselves. Being a parent means making adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices every day. For most people, sacrifices and hardships are not a choice, but a necessity.” (p.122) 

Working mothers who labor under guilt for not being omnipresent for their children will be pleasantly surprised to learn that a study in 1975 found working moms spent 6 hours per week on average on “primary child care” compared to 11 hours for stay-at-home mothers. Today, those numbers have jumped to 11 hours for working moms and 17 for those at home. (p.134) Meaning on average working mothers today “are spending the same number of hours with our kids as our mothers did.” (p.135)

It’s also reassuring to learn that extensive research also found no developmental differences between kids raised with stay-at-home and working mothers. (pp.135-136)

Besides guilt, some of the other culprits Sandberg identifies that are driving women to strive for unrealistic goals are comparisons, perfectionism, and the wonders of technology that make it possible to work 24/7.

“Like me, most of the women I know do a great job of worrying that we don’t measure up. We compare our efforts at work to those of our colleagues, usually men, who typically have far fewer responsibilities at home. Then we compare our efforts at home to those of mothers who dedicate themselves solely to their families.” (p.123) 

The Facebook slogan, “Done is better than perfect,” helps her battle perfectionist tendencies and forced her to take control of her workday and schedule.

“I became much more efficient—more vigilant about only attending or setting up meetings that were truly necessary, more determined to maximize my output during every minute I spent away from home. I also started paying more attention to the working hours of those around me; cutting unnecessary meetings saved time for them as well. I tried to focus on what really mattered.” (p.129) 

According to Sandberg, “success is making the best choices we can . . . and accepting them.” (p.139)

My Take

I never bought into the nonsense that we can “have it all.” I’m not sure where the idea originated, but to be perfectly honest, it always sounded to me like a misogynist caricature of working women as greedy and selfishly determined to maintain a lavish lifestyle at the expense of their children.

Just being honest.

For most working mothers, the struggles Sandberg describes more accurately reflect reality and the sacrifices and tough choices involved in trying to do their best on both job and home fronts.

I worked full-time during my daughter’s first year, and my seminarian husband was a stay-at-home dad. (Frank always said that year was one of the great privileges of his life). I can’t say the sacrifice was easy for me, although it helped a lot that I loved my job. I once tallied up the hours a week I spent with our infant daughter (compared to Frank) and was relieved that my numbers were greater. But then, I didn’t do much else besides home and work.

After that first tough year, I worked part-time and eventually as a full-time software developer, which meant most of my work was done at home. I scheduled my working hours around when my daughter was sleeping. Got up at 5am and went straight to the computer and worked in my pajamas until she woke up, and we started our day. Nap times I was back at the computer. Anything I didn’t get done then had to wait until bedtime.

Life was complicated to be sure, but there I learned a few things.

I learned that marriage and family was a “team sport,” that is, Frank and I had to work together as a team, juggling our schedules and covering for each other when urgent matters surfaced.

I learned that “you do what have to do.” There was no neat and tidy perimeter to my role as a mom. Some days I had to go to a business meeting while Frank had to change diapers. I had to limit my extracurricular activities to focus on who and what mattered most.

I learned that life is full of sacrifices. No one actually attains the fairy-tale dream of a perfect balance between marriage-family-work. The Adamic fall and our sin natures inevitably burst such bubbles.

Despite the challenges, this was a time of deep spiritual growth as I began to realize how the gospel itself frames the crazy, unpredictable, overwhelmingly unbalanced lives of women and of men with profound meaning and purpose. Choices and sacrifices we make to care for our loved ones and to follow God’s calling on our lives into the workplace are bound up in what it means to follow Jesus. Embracing his gospel always means self-sacrifice and putting the needs of others first no matter what our marital status or where we spend our working hours. It is in the maelstrom of this clumsy, cluttered, and complicated life that we live out the gospel and grow spiritually.

Sandberg’s advice to take control of your schedule and not to allow work or technology to fill every waking hour is well taken. And here I am, well past midnight … still working. What can I say?

Need to work on that one! 

So What’s Your Take?

How do you view the notion that you “can have it all”? What challenges do you face in managing your commitment to work and home? No matter where you work, what ideas have helped you end the battle with guilt and find better ways to manage your busy lifestyle? How have you grown spiritually in the midst of your complicated life?

Lean in with your comments!

Previous Lean In Posts …

• Introduction: Women, Work and the Church
• Chapter 1: The Leadership Ambition Gap
• Chapter 2: Sit at the Table
• Chapter 3: Success and Likeability
• Chapter 4: It’s a Jungle Gym, Not a Ladder
• Chapter 5: Are You My Mentor?  
• Chapter 6: Seek and Speak Your Truth 
• Chapter 7: Don’t Leave Before You Leave
• Chapter 8: Make Your Partner a Real Partner 

Other related posts …

• The Female Fear Factor
• So What Happens After You Sit at the Table 
• This Can of Worms Must Be Opened! 

“Spiritual abuse is a real phenomenon that actually happens in the body of Christ. It is a subtle trap in which the ones who perpetrate spiritual abuse on others are just as trapped in their unhealthy beliefs and actions as those whom they, knowingly or unknowingly, abuse.”       —The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse

Perhaps one of the most alarming facts about spiritual abuse is that when the subject comes up “abusers don’t recognize themselves.” The abuser can be oblivious to the hurtfulness of their actions and be acting with the best of intentions. Or their abusive behavior is the dark face of a beloved and respected Christian leader, which makes it next to impossible for those who have only seen the sunny side of the abuser and are fiercely loyal to them to believe they are capable of spiritual abuse. We’ve seen examples of this kind of misplaced loyalty online in recent weeks.

And so the abuse continues.

As I started working on this post, I received an email from an old friend who is actively involved in Recovering Grace an online ministry designed by former “Gothard Generation” survivors to help others coming out of the spiritual, emotional, and even sexual abuse they encountered in the Bill Gothard system.

Her email reminded me of a short-lived stint I had in the employ of a man who was a devoted Gothard follower. My boss was a highly respected deeply committed Christian leader with only the best of intentions. He was one of those who “unknowingly” abuses, but whose well-meaning actions carried damaging repercussions. I say “unknowingly” because I did not know him well. But I sometimes wonder whether the Gothard approach simply validated his already existent abusive inclinations or if he was sincerely deluded.

Only God knows.

Convinced he was the spiritual leader of his employees, he stationed himself to work where he could keep a watchful eye on all of us. That in itself was rather intimidating to say the least. It also meant the slightest faux pas or difference of opinion was an occasion for a “spiritual teaching moment”—a lecture instructing that employee on how their actions failed to measure up to biblical spirituality according to Gothard.

Once I was on the receiving end of one of those “spiritual teaching moments” after he overheard me apologizing to someone by saying, “I’m sorry,” instead of “Will you please forgive me?”—as Gothard specifically instructed.

The entire staff worked in a constant state of paranoia. Suffice it to say, I did not remain long in that environment.

That was nothing compared to dangerous advice he was giving another employee, a gentle soul who confided to him in desperation that her husband was physically abusing her. Our Christian employer was advising her that the abuse at home would stop if she simply worked harder to be submissive—meaning she was the problem, not her husband.

That’s the backwards thinking of spiritual abuse. The victim is the problem. S/he’s at fault and needs to be coerced and shamed into fixing the problem and getting in line, whatever that problem might be. Or else s/he needs to be shown the door.

My goal in continuing the discussion on spiritual abuse is twofold: (1) to be one voice among others who are sounding the alarm about the spiritual abuse that smolders, often undetected or deliberately concealed, beneath the surface in American evangelicalism and that needs to be exposed and (2) to open an online discussion where we can learn from one another and join together to address and take preventive action against this injustice that is thriving among us.

This means I’m going to need your help.

Nothing will change if we allow ourselves to remain silent spectators to wrongs that are deliberately or innocently perpetrated within the church of Jesus Christ. If you have a story, a resource, or a link that might be helpful to someone else, please share it in the comments. If you fear your comment might make things more difficult for yourself or someone else, please feel free to comment anonymously. Some situations are simply too volatile at the moment. I’ve learned of two more situations like that this morning.

I’m grateful to have an expert like Dr. Phil Monroe weighing in as he is able. At the moment he is blogging from Rwanda where he is leading a training project with Biblical Seminary’s Global Trauma Recovery Institute. So Phil isn’t talking theory. He’s actively engaged in ministering to those who have suffered from unimaginable abuse.

As he was packing his bags for Rwanda, he took time out to post this helpful article for our discussion about spiritual abusers. He’ll be joining in with comments and/or to respond to questions as he is able.

One of the frustrations in discussing spiritual abusers is the fact that there is no clearly defined profile to help us identify them. Dr. Monroe writes, “we do not have empirical survey evidence for those who use spiritual tools to harm or manipulate others.”

The lack of a profile is further complicated by the realization that some spiritual abusers are deliberate and malicious, while others “unknowingly” abuse others for what they believe are biblical reasons. Some consciously justify abusive behavior for what they deem the greater good, as a kind of “war ethic” where the usual Christian ethical norms are set aside and collateral damage is accepted as an inevitable by-product of war.

These are just some of the faces of spiritual abuse.

The centerpiece of any kind of abuse, however, is power and authority. Typically, we think of people in official positions of power—Christian leaders who have publicly recognized spiritual power and authority over others. To be sure, these leaders are especially vulnerable to the temptation to spiritually manipulate those in their care for selfish purposes.

It may be helpful, however, to be reminded that we don’t have to be at the top of the leadership ladder or the power pyramid to have power over someone else and to abuse that power to serve our personal agenda. Nor is the person at the top of the organizational chart—the pastor, the president, the chairperson—immune from suffering spiritual abuse. See The Plea of the Pastor’s Wife for an anguished example of the deep wounds and trauma inflicted when a leader is abused.

At the very least, this means we all need to be on guard against our own fallen tendencies to spiritually abuse others. In his article on the spiritual abuser, Dr. Monroe doesn’t let anyone off the hook. He lists motives we all share that can easily prompt a person to spiritually abuse others: fear, love of power, efficiency, ego, and habit.

In The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority within the Church (a superb resource on spiritual abuse recommended by a commenter) co-authors David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen point to this callous disregard for others in the service of self as central to the problem.

“Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another, without regard to what will result in the other person’s state of living, emotions or spiritual well-being. In this application, power is used to bolster the position or needs of a leader, over and above one who comes to them in need.” (p.21)

Let us keep in mind that that not every strong, decisive leader, not every tough decision, difficult conversation, or employee firing qualifies as spiritual abuse.

At the risk of oversimplifying, it seems to boil down to basic questions about how we live out the gospel in our relationships with others, or how we use power, not selfishly, but for good in the lives of others.

Although he isn’t talking about spiritual abuse per se, Andy Crouch’s Q talk on power has enormous relevance to this discussion. Andy insists that power as God intended is supposed to be good. It is intended for the flourishing of others and reflects how we image God.

Please take time to watch Andy’s talk—When Christians Have Power—where he takes this discussion to an entirely new level.

For beings made in the image of God, to misuse our God-given power is to misrepresent God by presenting a false image of the true God. This ultimately leads to injustice, instead of to greater flourishing of all involved.

Spiritual abusers come in all sizes and shapes. Some are sincerely deluded, others are deliberately and maliciously abusive. Some are men; some are women. Some have a great deal of power while others use what little power they have to belittle and browbeat those at the very bottom of the food chain. Often an abuser has an inflated view of themselves and a lack of accountability. Worse still, those who should hold them accountable are blinded by a misplaced loyalty or condition to go along with the so-called authority figure.

The Good News of Jesus Christ (through the power of his Holy Spirit) calls us to overcome the world by “loving our neighbors as ourselves,” not abusing them.

How would you describe spiritual abusers you’ve encountered? What characteristics have you seen? How have you’ve seen people constructively point out abusive behavior to those who are “unknowingly” abusing? Have you ever been spiritually abusive—knowingly or unknowingly? How have you seen people use their power and authority selflessly to promote the flourishing of those in their care?

To learn more about the Rwanda Project, read Trauma Recovery and Counseling Training in Rwanda.

Here is the complete series on Spiritual Abuse:

• It all started with Lean In: Seek and Speak Your Truth 
• Part 1: This Can of Worms Must be Opened! 
• Part 2: The Perfect Storm
• Part 3: The Many Faces of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 4: Identifying the Triggers of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 5: Standing Up to Spiritual Abusers
• Part 6: The Underlying Belief System of Spiritual Abuse
• Part 7: The Enablers of Spiritual Abuse … or When Silence isn’t Golden

Dr. Phil Monroe on Spiritual Abuse:

• Spiritual Abuse: What it is and Why it Hurts
• Why Do Some Spiritual Leaders Abuse Power?
• What Factors Support the Use of Spiritual Abuse?
• Four Belief System That Support Spiritual Abuse
• Do You Enable Spiritual Abuse? 
• Failures to Act—Why we don’t always blow the whistle on abuse

Also by Frank A. James:  Structural Patriarchy’s Dilemma for Women
Mary DeMuth:  Spiritual Abuse: 10 Ways to Spot It
Rachel Held Evans:  Series on Abuse

“The greatest asset a woman brings to her marriage is not her beauty, her charm, her feminine wiles, or even her ability to bear a child. It is her theology. Every wife is her husband’s partner, pastor, spiritual counselor, motivational speaker, and his fellow soldier in the war zone. With her eyes fixed on Jesus, she is less inclined to make her husband, herself, or her children the center of the universe. With head and heart filled with the knowledge of God, she will find strength to enter the fray and wrestle with all of life’s problems alongside her husband. As she lives in the light of God’s sovereign goodness, she will radiate hope and courage to him in the darkest hours. With her feet firmly planted on God’s holy character, she will find boldness to stand up to her man when his disobedience is tarnishing God’s glory. And her husband will only be the better for it.”

“We are never at fifty-fifty at any given moment—perfect equality is hard to define or sustain—but we allow the pendulum to swing back and forth between us.”

The PEW Foundation’s report (published May 29)  on “Breadwinner Moms” ignited a firestorm in the media and on blogs.

According to the report, “A record 40% of all households with children under the age of 18 include mothers who are either the sole or primary source of income for the family.” That figure is up from 11% in 1960.

Of the 40%, roughly a third (37%) are married and out-earning their husbands. Two thirds (63%) are lower income single mothers.

Both groups have come under fire—high-earning wives for outshining their husbands and allegedly abandoning their families and children; single mothers for being mothers in the first place, and the whole lot of them for pursuing a way of life that “could undermine our social order.”

In her article, “When a Woman Makes a Lot of Money and Her Husband Doesn’t,” Mary Kassian castigates the higher-earning wife marriages as the “alpha woman-beta boy relationship model.”  (Lobbing that grenade should do wonders for ongoing peace talks intended to end The Mommy Wars.)

I may be wrong, but I suspect Chapter 8: “Make Your Partner a Real Partner” might create a little heat over attitudes towards working mothers and changing roles in marriage.

Here goes …

Sandberg’s Take

By the time the PEW Report was released, Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In, was already flying off the shelves. Yet despite the timing of her book, Sandberg anticipates the rise in bread-winning mothers in this chapter and addresses the kinds of practical adjustments couples face in sharing housework and parenting responsibilities when both husband and wife are bringing home the bacon.

This chapter engages today’s reality for families. Couples don’t all following the same road map in the choices they’re making about home, family, and work. Sandberg doesn’t pass judgment or pit one family’s choices against another. It may surprise some that she so strongly defends the contributions of stay-at-home moms, but she does.

“I also feel strongly that when a mother stays at home, her time during the day should still be considered real work—because it is. Raising children is at least as stressful and demanding as a paying job. ” (p.118) 

If this chapter should cause anyone to squirm, it is probably husbands and dads. Yet, like Sandberg’s husband, more and more men understand they can’t have it all. They get the fact that a working wife and mother means figuring out new ways of parenting and sharing domestic responsibilities at home.

As she does in other chapters, Sandberg offers practical suggestions to manage this shift away from the traditional model. She cautions wives to avoid “maternal gatekeeping” (p.108) when husbands start to pitch in around the house. In other words, “let him put the diaper on the baby any way he wants so long as he’s doing it himself.” (p.109)

She and her husband find it helpful to decide which responsibilities each will take, instead of constantly negotiating tasks. (p.109) They’ve made it a practice to “sit down at the beginning of every week and figure out which one of us will drive our children to school every day,” describing her marriage as “a work in progress.” (p.111).

She argues rather convincingly that, far from taking a toll on children or depriving men of the freedom to kick back and relax when they get home, the partnership models is good for everyone. Kids get plenty of attention from both mom and dad, and dads (many who want this anyway) have greater opportunities and more time to invest themselves in the lives of their children. She even highlights stay-at-home dads (already 4 percent of parents) and the stigma attached to their decision. “Fathers who want to drop out of the workforce entirely and devote themselves to child care can face extremely negative social pressure…. It can be very isolating.” (p.114)

Benefits for working mothers are also significant. 

“For women, earning money increases their decision-making ability in the home, protects them in case of divorce [I would add or the unemployment, disability or premature death of her husband] and can be important security in later years, as women often outlive their husbands.” (p.118) 

The upshot of this chapter?

“As more women lean in to their careers, more men need to lean in to their families. We need to encourage men to be more ambitious in their homes.” (p.120)

My Take

I married a man who, from the age of seven, was raised by a single mom. That proved to be an unexpected blessing since my mother-in-law taught her four sons to pitch in around the house. Anyone who knows the James Gang wouldn’t dare call them “beta-boys” or would be sorry if they did.

From day 1 of our marriage, Frank ironed his own shirts and was quick to volunteer for laundry duty. To this day he rarely surrenders his post as dishwasher. During seminary, he even spent a year as a stay-at-home dad and came away from the experience agreeing with Sandberg: “Men who don’t get to do this are missing out!”

We never had that 50/50 conversation.

To be honest, I was relieved when Sandberg tossed the 50/50 idea as a worthy or even an attainable goal. I’ve always thought the 50/50 mentality sets couples up to keep score. The pendulum metaphor—reflected in her statement that “Each of us makes sure that things that need to get done do indeed get done”— seems to be a healthier, more flexible model and frees both husband and wife to do whatever is necessary to get the job done.

Overall, I liked this chapter. If anything, Sandberg is a realist. The world has changed. Women have changed. Our lives have changed. Inevitably, that means other changes will follow. She’s raising the right questions and offering helpful ideas for how to move forward.

Divvying up household chores, juggling parental responsibilities, and making sure we have enough bacon are important practical changes that may foster better teamwork. But they leave us talking logistics and fall short of producing the kind of deeper partnership that can make a marriage thrive.

Sandberg doesn’t take us far enough. But then, she probably never heard of the Blessed Alliance.

As I was thinking about “My Take” on this chapter, I had one of those conversations with Frank that reminds me of what a “real” partnership can be like. He was working on a project and started telling me about it. I was interested and began asking questions that sparked new thinking. It was one of those invigorating iron-sharpening-iron experiences where we enter into what the other other is doing, and something new and better comes from engaging one another.

In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis describes that kind of alliance—a real partnership/a deep friendship—as he lamented the death of his beloved wife Joy.

“For a good wife contains so many persons in herself. What was [she] not to me? She was my daughter and my mother, my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign; and always, holding all these in solution, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress, but at the same time all that any man friend (and I have good ones) has ever been to me. Perhaps more…. Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left?” 

So What’s Your Take?

What challenges have you faced (or watched other women face) as a breadwinner mom? In your experience, how are working mothers viewed in the church? How can we, as Christians, set a different tone in the career versus stay-at-home mom debate among us?

And more to the point, how can we make progress towards forging that Blessed Alliance in our marriages no matter where we work?

Lean in with your comments!

Previous Lean In Posts …

• Introduction: Women, Work and the Church
• Chapter 1: The Leadership Ambition Gap
• Chapter 2: Sit at the Table
• Chapter 3: Success and Likeability
• Chapter 4: It’s a Jungle Gym, Not a Ladder
• Chapter 5: Are You My Mentor?  
• Chapter 6: Seek and Speak Your Truth 
• Chapter 7: Don’t Leave Before You Leave

Other related posts …

• The Female Fear Factor
• So What Happens After You Sit at the Table 
• This Can of Worms Must Be Opened!